Now & Then: Uncle Ambrose needs a brain organizer

Dear Nephew,

Your Uncle Ambrose is taking his brain to a computer technician for defragging.

Not literally, of course. Well, sort of.

It seems your uncle had been mulling over his eroding memory. He said most folks over 50 just blame their inability to recall names, dates and places as a function of growing old.

But your uncle thinks there’s more to it than losing data.

“It’s still in there,” your Uncle Ambrose told me the other day. “It’s just a matter of digging it out.”

He went on to explain to me how a computer tends to get slower because it’s a messy filer.

“The computer uses files, then puts them back randomly, instead of where they belong, causing it to slow down to look up information that was stored incorrectly,” your uncle explained. “So, you have to run a ‘defragment’ program occasionally to get things back in order so the computer runs smoothly again.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “It’s like when you use my kitchen utensils for who knows what and then I can’t find them. Now I’ve learned to search your workshop for my potato masher.

“Pray, what on earth do you use my potato masher for, Am?”

“You know, Vic, I’ve forgotten. The memory must have been placed in the wrong file.”

Anyway, your uncle thinks he can get all those memory bits back in order if he can find a way to defrag his brain.

“When I was a young school student, I could name all the counties in the state, recite the names of all the presidents in chronological order and even remember what I had for breakfast,” he told me. “Now I have to study on it for hours to even get parts of it.”

“Are you talking about the presidents or breakfast?” I asked. “Surely you can remember bran flakes and prunes, since that’s what you eat every morning.”

“Oh yeah,” Am said. “That’s so my body will operate smoothly. So why don’t they come up with a breakfast food to help the brain run more smoothly?

“I know, I’ll go see the computer tech and find out if he has any ideas about defragging my brain. I wonder if he’ll need a flash drive or a disc?”

“If he needs a potato masher, tell him to call me,” I said.

Oblivious to my potato masher comment, your uncle said, “You know, brain specialists have found that different areas of the brain perform different functions. I’ll just bet you they can find a way to re-sort the memory files area. Let me call my doctor.

“Vic, do you remember his number?”

“No, but I’m sure it’s in there somewhere,” I said. “In the meantime, why don’t you look in the phone book?”

“I would but I forgot where I put it,” your uncle said.

“It’s probably still under a corner of the washing machine, remember?” I told him. “You put it there because the washer shook too much when it was on spin cycle.”

“OK, I’m on it,” your Uncle Am said as he clomped down to the basement.

“Hey Vic,” he yelled two minutes later. “What was it you sent me down here for?”

Love,

Your Uncle Ambrose and Aunt Victoria

■ Larry Penkava is a writer for Randolph Hub. 

Contact: 336-302-2189, larrypenkava@gmail.com